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19 January 2007

PhD Comprehensive Exams

I PASSED. It feels absolutely wonderful and anti-climatic at the same time. The exam lasted 2 and ½ hours and I actually felt pretty relaxed throughout – in no ways fun exactly, but I was smiling and interacting and answering questions. Toward the end they kind of ran out of questions and said they didn’t want to ask anything more so I thought I was golden. Then, Todd asked about key Evolutionary Biologists and I blanked and it went downhill. That hit my weak spot. Exposed. It was weird because overall, the questions didn’t seem hard enough – I expected more zingers where I thought I’d be at a complete loss or end up in tears. Maybe I have matured enough to be able to keep myself calm. When I left the room for them to deliberate I honestly thought I’d nailed it to the best of my ability. I thought there was no way they could not pass me. I did heaps better than my performance during my Kzoo oral comps. And, I am proud of that. 

So, I was very surprised when I got back in the room and they were disappointed. They passed me, but it wasn’t stellar and was provisional upon me returning for a few extra classes and to teach a course. These are all reasonable, will enhance my degree, and I would probably have ended up doing anyway. It is a bit annoying that I can’t say I am completely done with classes, but I never really would be anytime. In a way I feel they are just pushing me – expected, but annoying because I do plenty of that myself!

So, I wasn’t one of those students (one out of 5 according to Todd) who absolutely “nailed” it and yes, I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit that that does disappoint me, but I didn’t really expect (require) that of myself for this (I wanted to yes,), but this area of thinking on my feet and thinking in front of people I feel are judging me in some way is my weakness and I did better than I ever would have dreamed and that is something to be proud of. I could really notice an improvement in my confidence level compared to as an undergraduate and that was the biggest revelation that came out of today. I am improving.
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01 January 2007

The Game of Life

Of course I can’t sleep again. Although it is 1am and I was in bed by 11:30pm. I just hit the pillow and that is like a signal for my brain to begin analyzing all of the possible paths of my future. I went out to dinner with Anna tonight and she asked me if I would consider living in Thailand. The short answer is yes, but there is more to it than that and I end up back at “I don’t know.” And she replied, well, you may not know what you want or where you want to be, but you’ll end up doing something. One way or another life continues on.
 

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