Plans Evolve.

Tomorrow is Halloween. Doesn’t feel like it at all. Once again I am missing the caramel apples and pumpkins. Peter seemed to think it was a good idea for me to go home in Dec.-maybe not permanently, but at least for X-mas with the possibility of me then coming back. I am afraid that if I go home I won’t come back. I don’t want to be grounded in the U.S. because people can’t decide on project direction or funding my return airfare. Yesterday I was all pumped about the project being “mine,” being a field manager, putting in some real time on a real conservation project. Peter left it up to me about whether or not I will return to America in December. I haven’t fully made up my mind yet, but as he left I told him no, that I won’t be requiring that ticket. 

On the other hand, my discussions with Peter were a reality check. Sometimes I think I may be a little too isolated and alone here, ending up with these idealistic dreams of living a stress-free life in Thailand. Peter grounded me. He started looking at our data, working in Excel, doing scientist stuff and I was forced to see that part of myself again. I can’t simply ignore that and pretend that I can live where I am for any extended amount of time. I DO have to go to graduate school to challenge myself and work toward my interests. Maybe that is the American perfectionist in me and I was becoming too comfortable being Thai. (But is that a bad thing I have to ask myself)? Peter flat out said that I am ready for graduate school and I want to believe him. I am just still scared. I will apply for the University of Massachusetts and the University of Minnesota in December, but those are the only schools I can manage from here. It will be strained doing the applications as it is.