I Don't Know!

I don’t know how often I find myself saying or thinking “I don’t know.” It is so frequently that I know Pom is getting sick of hearing it. My “I don’t knows” range from: What do you want to eat? I don’t know, I am sick of rice. When will you go in the forest? I don’t know. Our schedule changes literally hourly. To: When will you be back to Thailand? I don’t know! What are you thinking about? I don’t know (because I can’t explain it in Thai).

I spent the last few days at Pom’s house. It was nice, but frustrating as usual because I can’t communicate. I get a range of responses from people trying to talk with me. Some (especially the older folk) just ramble on and expect me to understand. Then they ask me a question and look at me expectantly…waiting for a response. I hate that because I feel really rude that I can’t reply. Then, other people just ignore me. I know they want to talk (as do I), but I can’t understand past the basics (where are you going, have you eaten yet? Etc). The kids are good and always run up to greet me, but eventually even they get bored when I can’t properly answer their questions. I know, I know, this is the time I should be practicing Thai, but instead I just find myself looking forward to being alone again. I often felt like a puppy following Pom around. People come to see me because I am cute and new and different and white and they try to “play” with me, but I can’t understand so I just “jump around and wag my tail” with smiles and nods. And we move on to other interested folks and repeat. And so it goes and I sit and get angry at myself for not learning Thai – yes, I’ve hit the “you’ve been here 8months and could have been practicing each day, why didn’t you!” Mark. This is also getting closer to the “I am ready to go home” mark-“I’ve been at this long enough and things are starting to get to me point.” Up until December things, work, people were still new and exciting and I had a comfortable routine…then it got so nice around January that I couldn’t bear leaving…now I’ve flipped. I am where I want to go home for a change, but then want to come right back to what I had. 

So, life is good. I am happy and that is scary. There are so many unexpected things to come. I’ve got three months left and am trying to plan, but it is difficult with all of the “I don’t knows.” I DO know that I will be starting the grad. program at U. of Massachusetts Amherst in the fall (Did I tell you that? The PhD program). Oh, and really good news: I got an NSF Graduate Research Fellowship so I don’t have to worry about support from the school! 

I am trying to move ahead with starting to collect pilot data for my dhole project. I hope to setup transects to measure deer pellets, but even that is delay after delay. It took a month just to buy rebar stakes (to mark the end of the transects) and I’m currently waiting for Kanda to return from Bangkok with them. But, then I have to find the days to setup everything in between writing a 6 month progress report, going out in the forest, meetings, a trip to Cambodia to get my VISA renewed, etc, etc.