Highlights and Lowlights

Yes, I haven’t written, because who has time in grad. school? Time is filled with daily work and personal reminders to go at it, go at it, go at it. Just do it despite the ups and downs. That stack of articles on my desk to read is endless. The quote in my planner today talks about: “a little more tolerance towards oneself.” I don’t allow that. I am the hardest on myself and that causes stress.

Some highlights and lowlights of grad. life:

28 Sept 05
I nailed it – my 20min. oral presentation in my Cons. Bio. Class. It felt really good. The topic was an article on environmental economics and my PowerPoint slides were well organized. I felt aware during the talk, not just blazing through it high on adrenaline. I could actually look around and register what I was seeing and think and pause. My classmates responded well, my professor emailed me praise. So, things are going smoothly. I have time for my class assignments and time for exercise. I don’t make enough time to read articles related to my research and I’m waiting for that to come back and nip me in the bud. I’m trying to stay motivated and tell myself that it is my attitude that is keeping things feeling less stressful, but I fear it is me NOT doing everything that is giving me the false sense that I am on top of things. Or, maybe I am doing all I really can do (w/o going into burnout mode) and I just feel like I should be doing more. That is the nice thing about graduate school. It is all up to me.

03 Oct 05
Hit the first major wall regarding my dhole project. It is a major barrier because it is not something that I can fix myself or even have influence over. I got up the courage tonight to call Lon, a carnivore researcher who did past work in Thailand. I thought I was calling to discuss radio telemetry frequencies, but Lon dropped a bomb-shell: there is a law banning ALL wildlife trapping in the country. Hmmmm. Well, and my ability to catch and collar dholes is about 80% of my planned project….

12 Oct 05
I spent the day working alone in my condo, still unable to force myself to work in my assigned office space on campus. Yet, I feel that I got nothing done. I did exercise, write an essay, and study Thai, but what futzing around filled in the rest of the hours? I find myself thinking about my time in Thailand in Dec. Which jacket will I pack? Which shoes will I bring? How should I approach new tasks with the rangers and greeting the chief? Etc. etc. I need to focus on the now – Umass – school.

31 Oct 05
Life. I’ve run the gambit of emotions this week. At a party with lab mates we were discussing research and scientific papers and I had a glimmer that, hey, I’m with the right people, this is my field! Then, today in OEB seminar one student went off about his molecular field, quoting articles and facts and depth of knowledge. I can’t do that with ecology. Sometimes I fear I don’t have the passion and strength to keep at this day after day after day. It takes energy.