The major goal this month is to try playback vocalization tests with dholes. (At least I know the equipment works…we broadcast dying fawn sounds all across campus yesterday). Playback is a method of broadcasting previously recorded natural or artificial sounds to animals and observing their response. My problem? I have some yipping dholes recorded from SanDiego zoo, but no baseline for what their reported “whistle” sounds like. Luckily, Todd is all excited about trying to find dhole sounds. He called me in for a meeting and popped in a video from his 8-year old daughter, “Animals of Asia.” Seems they show dholes whistling. Unfortunately, there is voice over, so I can’t directly record the whistle. But, as I was watching it the second time through, suddenly the whistles came from behind me. My advisor found a recorder flute that plays an exact note that sounds like a dhole whistle! Anyway, so now I can hike through the woods, toot my little whistle, and pray to see dholes.
My friend, Heather, had this to say about the concept:
“I’m imaging you walking through the woods with that recorder like the Pied Piper and the dhole heads just popping up one by one from beneath the vegetation. Once again, there’s those experiences in science they don’t tell you about that never really make it into the scientific journals…”
Highlights and Lowlights
Yes, I haven’t written, because who has time in grad. school? Time is filled with daily work and personal reminders to go at it, go at it, go at it. Just do it despite the ups and downs. That stack of articles on my desk to read is endless. The quote in my planner today talks about: “a little more tolerance towards oneself.” I don’t allow that. I am the hardest on myself and that causes stress.
Some highlights and lowlights of grad. life:
28 Sept 05
I nailed it – my 20min. oral presentation in my Cons. Bio. Class. It felt really good. The topic was an article on environmental economics and my PowerPoint slides were well organized. I felt aware during the talk, not just blazing through it high on adrenaline. I could actually look around and register what I was seeing and think and pause. My classmates responded well, my professor emailed me praise. So, things are going smoothly. I have time for my class assignments and time for exercise. I don’t make enough time to read articles related to my research and I’m waiting for that to come back and nip me in the bud. I’m trying to stay motivated and tell myself that it is my attitude that is keeping things feeling less stressful, but I fear it is me NOT doing everything that is giving me the false sense that I am on top of things. Or, maybe I am doing all I really can do (w/o going into burnout mode) and I just feel like I should be doing more. That is the nice thing about graduate school. It is all up to me.
03 Oct 05
Hit the first major wall regarding my dhole project. It is a major barrier because it is not something that I can fix myself or even have influence over. I got up the courage tonight to call Lon, a carnivore researcher who did past work in Thailand. I thought I was calling to discuss radio telemetry frequencies, but Lon dropped a bomb-shell: there is a law banning ALL wildlife trapping in the country. Hmmmm. Well, and my ability to catch and collar dholes is about 80% of my planned project….
12 Oct 05
I spent the day working alone in my condo, still unable to force myself to work in my assigned office space on campus. Yet, I feel that I got nothing done. I did exercise, write an essay, and study Thai, but what futzing around filled in the rest of the hours? I find myself thinking about my time in Thailand in Dec. Which jacket will I pack? Which shoes will I bring? How should I approach new tasks with the rangers and greeting the chief? Etc. etc. I need to focus on the now – Umass – school.
31 Oct 05
Life. I’ve run the gambit of emotions this week. At a party with lab mates we were discussing research and scientific papers and I had a glimmer that, hey, I’m with the right people, this is my field! Then, today in OEB seminar one student went off about his molecular field, quoting articles and facts and depth of knowledge. I can’t do that with ecology. Sometimes I fear I don’t have the passion and strength to keep at this day after day after day. It takes energy.
Some highlights and lowlights of grad. life:
28 Sept 05
I nailed it – my 20min. oral presentation in my Cons. Bio. Class. It felt really good. The topic was an article on environmental economics and my PowerPoint slides were well organized. I felt aware during the talk, not just blazing through it high on adrenaline. I could actually look around and register what I was seeing and think and pause. My classmates responded well, my professor emailed me praise. So, things are going smoothly. I have time for my class assignments and time for exercise. I don’t make enough time to read articles related to my research and I’m waiting for that to come back and nip me in the bud. I’m trying to stay motivated and tell myself that it is my attitude that is keeping things feeling less stressful, but I fear it is me NOT doing everything that is giving me the false sense that I am on top of things. Or, maybe I am doing all I really can do (w/o going into burnout mode) and I just feel like I should be doing more. That is the nice thing about graduate school. It is all up to me.
03 Oct 05
Hit the first major wall regarding my dhole project. It is a major barrier because it is not something that I can fix myself or even have influence over. I got up the courage tonight to call Lon, a carnivore researcher who did past work in Thailand. I thought I was calling to discuss radio telemetry frequencies, but Lon dropped a bomb-shell: there is a law banning ALL wildlife trapping in the country. Hmmmm. Well, and my ability to catch and collar dholes is about 80% of my planned project….
12 Oct 05
I spent the day working alone in my condo, still unable to force myself to work in my assigned office space on campus. Yet, I feel that I got nothing done. I did exercise, write an essay, and study Thai, but what futzing around filled in the rest of the hours? I find myself thinking about my time in Thailand in Dec. Which jacket will I pack? Which shoes will I bring? How should I approach new tasks with the rangers and greeting the chief? Etc. etc. I need to focus on the now – Umass – school.
31 Oct 05
Life. I’ve run the gambit of emotions this week. At a party with lab mates we were discussing research and scientific papers and I had a glimmer that, hey, I’m with the right people, this is my field! Then, today in OEB seminar one student went off about his molecular field, quoting articles and facts and depth of knowledge. I can’t do that with ecology. Sometimes I fear I don’t have the passion and strength to keep at this day after day after day. It takes energy.
OEB Newbie
I am successfully moved into my condo in Amherst, MA, trying to make it Home and well into my first semester as a graduate student in the Organismic and Evolutionary Biology (OEB) program at the University of Massachusetts. Todd Fuller is my major advisor. I was crazy enough to be the only one who had not met my advisor prior to our orientation day. Every one of the students knew and I think they were more nervous than me about our first meeting. Finally, as one professor entered the room all eyes fell on me. Ok, this must be him. But, I am lucky. I felt that Todd and I clicked and I think he is the right type of advisor for me. Sometimes you just know.
Now I have to work through my project without feeling overwhelmed. Todd finally had time to read my dhole proposal. The proposal I used for the NSF grant. I was pleased with myself for even having a proposal started – since we don’t officially need one until second year. I was feeling ahead of the game until now. After I asked Todd for initial comments, I got bombarded with questions—some of which I hadn’t considered. It is hard enough to read everything possible on dhole, but then he goes and asks, “What parallels are you drawing on among wolves, African wild dogs, Ethiopian wolves, and dholes that will help you understand dhole ecology?” Yikes—I know nothing of these other guys! But, I’m trying to be positive right? So, how do I approach this w/o feeling overwhelmed? Step by small step
Now I have to work through my project without feeling overwhelmed. Todd finally had time to read my dhole proposal. The proposal I used for the NSF grant. I was pleased with myself for even having a proposal started – since we don’t officially need one until second year. I was feeling ahead of the game until now. After I asked Todd for initial comments, I got bombarded with questions—some of which I hadn’t considered. It is hard enough to read everything possible on dhole, but then he goes and asks, “What parallels are you drawing on among wolves, African wild dogs, Ethiopian wolves, and dholes that will help you understand dhole ecology?” Yikes—I know nothing of these other guys! But, I’m trying to be positive right? So, how do I approach this w/o feeling overwhelmed? Step by small step
Bell's Palsy
I have two weeks left. I want to spend every minute enjoying that time. Instead, I am back waiting in a hospital again. This time in PrachinBuri. I’m worried. My face, the smile with which I greet the world is paralyzed. I smile to put people at ease, I smile when I am nervous and don’t know what to say, I smile to communicate with Thais. Today I cannot smile. I cannot close my right eye. I can’t move my lips. I’m having trouble eating and now even drinking properly. After three days of sharp headaches on the right side of my head, the right side of my face is lifeless – no muscle control. Any half-smile attempts are hideous and I am very self-conscious around people. I relied on Pom’s explaining and I couldn’t ask the questions I have of the doctor. I have no indication of how permanent this may be. I think and think and worry about starting graduate school unable to smile.
I Don't Know!
I don’t know how often I find myself saying or thinking “I don’t know.” It is so frequently that I know Pom is getting sick of hearing it. My “I don’t knows” range from: What do you want to eat? I don’t know, I am sick of rice. When will you go in the forest? I don’t know. Our schedule changes literally hourly. To: When will you be back to Thailand? I don’t know! What are you thinking about? I don’t know (because I can’t explain it in Thai).
I spent the last few days at Pom’s house. It was nice, but frustrating as usual because I can’t communicate. I get a range of responses from people trying to talk with me. Some (especially the older folk) just ramble on and expect me to understand. Then they ask me a question and look at me expectantly…waiting for a response. I hate that because I feel really rude that I can’t reply. Then, other people just ignore me. I know they want to talk (as do I), but I can’t understand past the basics (where are you going, have you eaten yet? Etc). The kids are good and always run up to greet me, but eventually even they get bored when I can’t properly answer their questions. I know, I know, this is the time I should be practicing Thai, but instead I just find myself looking forward to being alone again. I often felt like a puppy following Pom around. People come to see me because I am cute and new and different and white and they try to “play” with me, but I can’t understand so I just “jump around and wag my tail” with smiles and nods. And we move on to other interested folks and repeat. And so it goes and I sit and get angry at myself for not learning Thai – yes, I’ve hit the “you’ve been here 8months and could have been practicing each day, why didn’t you!” Mark. This is also getting closer to the “I am ready to go home” mark-“I’ve been at this long enough and things are starting to get to me point.” Up until December things, work, people were still new and exciting and I had a comfortable routine…then it got so nice around January that I couldn’t bear leaving…now I’ve flipped. I am where I want to go home for a change, but then want to come right back to what I had.
So, life is good. I am happy and that is scary. There are so many unexpected things to come. I’ve got three months left and am trying to plan, but it is difficult with all of the “I don’t knows.” I DO know that I will be starting the grad. program at U. of Massachusetts Amherst in the fall (Did I tell you that? The PhD program). Oh, and really good news: I got an NSF Graduate Research Fellowship so I don’t have to worry about support from the school!
I am trying to move ahead with starting to collect pilot data for my dhole project. I hope to setup transects to measure deer pellets, but even that is delay after delay. It took a month just to buy rebar stakes (to mark the end of the transects) and I’m currently waiting for Kanda to return from Bangkok with them. But, then I have to find the days to setup everything in between writing a 6 month progress report, going out in the forest, meetings, a trip to Cambodia to get my VISA renewed, etc, etc.
I spent the last few days at Pom’s house. It was nice, but frustrating as usual because I can’t communicate. I get a range of responses from people trying to talk with me. Some (especially the older folk) just ramble on and expect me to understand. Then they ask me a question and look at me expectantly…waiting for a response. I hate that because I feel really rude that I can’t reply. Then, other people just ignore me. I know they want to talk (as do I), but I can’t understand past the basics (where are you going, have you eaten yet? Etc). The kids are good and always run up to greet me, but eventually even they get bored when I can’t properly answer their questions. I know, I know, this is the time I should be practicing Thai, but instead I just find myself looking forward to being alone again. I often felt like a puppy following Pom around. People come to see me because I am cute and new and different and white and they try to “play” with me, but I can’t understand so I just “jump around and wag my tail” with smiles and nods. And we move on to other interested folks and repeat. And so it goes and I sit and get angry at myself for not learning Thai – yes, I’ve hit the “you’ve been here 8months and could have been practicing each day, why didn’t you!” Mark. This is also getting closer to the “I am ready to go home” mark-“I’ve been at this long enough and things are starting to get to me point.” Up until December things, work, people were still new and exciting and I had a comfortable routine…then it got so nice around January that I couldn’t bear leaving…now I’ve flipped. I am where I want to go home for a change, but then want to come right back to what I had.
So, life is good. I am happy and that is scary. There are so many unexpected things to come. I’ve got three months left and am trying to plan, but it is difficult with all of the “I don’t knows.” I DO know that I will be starting the grad. program at U. of Massachusetts Amherst in the fall (Did I tell you that? The PhD program). Oh, and really good news: I got an NSF Graduate Research Fellowship so I don’t have to worry about support from the school!
I am trying to move ahead with starting to collect pilot data for my dhole project. I hope to setup transects to measure deer pellets, but even that is delay after delay. It took a month just to buy rebar stakes (to mark the end of the transects) and I’m currently waiting for Kanda to return from Bangkok with them. But, then I have to find the days to setup everything in between writing a 6 month progress report, going out in the forest, meetings, a trip to Cambodia to get my VISA renewed, etc, etc.
Songkran
Happy Thai New Year! This time I got to see the real traditions surrounding Songkran (not just the water fights that are advertised for the tourists). Kanda mentioned that the water throwing of Songkran demonstrates the Thai culture – the attitude to “take it easy,” smile, and be tolerant. You show this when you thank people for dousing you with water. And, further, it is pleasant, flower petal strewn fragrant water. A festival like this would never work in America—it would ultimately end up in someone acting too far, resulting in a fight.
In the morning Pom and I went around visiting various relatives and pouring water over the hands of elders as a sign of respect. Everyone offered meals. Driving on the motorbike we were forced to slow at makeshift “checkpoints” where kids and drunk young adults would douse us with water and pat our faces white with talcum powder. Afternoon event at the Wat to pour water over Buddha statues and monks’ hands. Around five, after a shower, on to Pom’s neighborhood Wat. Interesting, but long…over 2 hours. I sat until my knee burned and feet were numb. As the monks chanted the entire group gathered and was joined by halos of white string dangling from a string lattice work above our heads. Made merit by leaving 20 baht on a money tree. Party/festival mood.
15 April 05
Back to the temple. I was grabbed by women to dance and be force-fed whiskey. This is the same group of old biddies you would expect to see smuggle in a flask to bingo night …. The sort of women who would strut around in huge fancy purple hats. They enjoy life and I enjoy that they accept me. Also did the proper traditional ceremony of pouring water over the hands of Buddha statues and a line of monks. Our celebration was interrupted by a downpour of rain—no matter, the party proceeded to frantic dancing in the rain!
In the morning Pom and I went around visiting various relatives and pouring water over the hands of elders as a sign of respect. Everyone offered meals. Driving on the motorbike we were forced to slow at makeshift “checkpoints” where kids and drunk young adults would douse us with water and pat our faces white with talcum powder. Afternoon event at the Wat to pour water over Buddha statues and monks’ hands. Around five, after a shower, on to Pom’s neighborhood Wat. Interesting, but long…over 2 hours. I sat until my knee burned and feet were numb. As the monks chanted the entire group gathered and was joined by halos of white string dangling from a string lattice work above our heads. Made merit by leaving 20 baht on a money tree. Party/festival mood.
15 April 05
Back to the temple. I was grabbed by women to dance and be force-fed whiskey. This is the same group of old biddies you would expect to see smuggle in a flask to bingo night …. The sort of women who would strut around in huge fancy purple hats. They enjoy life and I enjoy that they accept me. Also did the proper traditional ceremony of pouring water over the hands of Buddha statues and a line of monks. Our celebration was interrupted by a downpour of rain—no matter, the party proceeded to frantic dancing in the rain!
Rejected.
Well, I got my “thanks” but “no thanks” letter from University of Minnesota today. They didn’t accept me because there was no advisor willing to accept me and they had no funding. It was completely expected after Dave Garshelis emailed that he could not sponsor my application; still, I admit, it was a slight blow to be rejected. Now I wait for the offer from U.Mass.
Traditional Thai
I visited a temple with Pom today in preparation for a friend’s wedding. Everything was decorated in gaudy cheap-looking mobiles made of straws and flashy circles of paper intermittently hung with straight white strings. Yet, it made for a simple festive atmosphere. You don’t need thousands of dollars in flowers to create a feeling of pure happy celebration.
Mid-life Crisis
I’ve spent days scanning photos, organizing data. Lately, my job has been a desk job and as a result the pants are fitting a little tighter! In November we were too swamped with other commitments to do a field trip for camera set up, in December I couldn’t go because I had to go to Malaysia for my VISA, and this month I didn’t go because Namfon (who is the coordinator for this project from WildAid) wanted to go in my place. I am missing field living and hiking. But, oh, we have gotten some great photos from our cameras. Another clouded leopard, and my favorite, a beautiful dhole. I think this is going to be my study animal if I can pull it off (now that I’m past my little crisis).
Yes, I had a bit of a mid-life crisis around New Year (well, ok, not exactly mid-life, but you get the idea). As you know, I end up with way to much time to think out here. As always, I am having major doubts about graduate school. I don’t know if I am over analyzing or should stop for once and listen to my doubts. My doubts about school aren’t a surprise, but I also had major doubts about a career in conservation biology. Ok, still not shocking, so here it is: I had serious thoughts about living in Thailand. I have been thinking about my life choices everyday EVERYDAY and really started to confuse myself. I began to wonder if the stress of school was worth it especially if there is no guarantee of a job afterward and for the rest of my career it will be a struggle every step of the way. Retreating to Thailand and living a simple life as a teacher was pulling me in. The choice would be an extreme way of living simply… a less-stressful, less consumptive lifestyle and graduate school represents that rat-race way of living in America. In other words, I am drawn to the overall Thai approach to life. The culture here is so opposite of America. In some ways, I feel it is a step back in time, with people living in a way that is sustainable and community oriented. I have visited Pom’s home/neighborhood a couple of times and from the start was welcomed with open arms. The phrase “my house is your house” applies. I stayed in a room at his aunt’s house (they kicked out a little kid to make up a guest room for me) without any prior announcement of my coming and their family shared meals, etc. with me, tried to talk with me to make me feel comfortable. I wonder if we would offer the same hospitality to a foreigner. At the rest of the neighborhood houses it is also an open door policy. Literally. During dinner, random children wandered in to play, calling across yards, and adults walked by (mostly to get a glimpse of me). Everyone knows everyone’s business (and while perhaps the lack of privacy would get to me eventually, it is also nice to really feel part of a community). You can completely feel the difference from our isolated lives in America. (It is such a great difference that when I was discussing it with Kanda, she likened neighborhoods in the states to cemeteries because of their “quietness” and sense of isolation).
Anyway, so I am past trying to escape to an “easier” life now and will be going to school (if I get accepted…I’m a bit worried because I only applied to two schools). I got a positive email from Dr. Fuller (U. of Mass.) who wrote me a letter to support my application and I recently got the contact info. from someone out in San Diego who may be interested in Dhole, so things are coming together even more.
Daily life is routine now. I can’t complain. We are starting to get rain again sporadically after over two months with nothing. It feels cold here (but doesn’t get below 60 at night). I don’t know how I am going to survive a return to the states and single digits! Believe it or not, as I sit typing this email it is 70 but I am wearing a sweater. My body has adjusted to warmer temps.
Shoot, I’ve got to run…literally. I have to go chase away the pig-tail macaques from eating my bananas!
Yes, I had a bit of a mid-life crisis around New Year (well, ok, not exactly mid-life, but you get the idea). As you know, I end up with way to much time to think out here. As always, I am having major doubts about graduate school. I don’t know if I am over analyzing or should stop for once and listen to my doubts. My doubts about school aren’t a surprise, but I also had major doubts about a career in conservation biology. Ok, still not shocking, so here it is: I had serious thoughts about living in Thailand. I have been thinking about my life choices everyday EVERYDAY and really started to confuse myself. I began to wonder if the stress of school was worth it especially if there is no guarantee of a job afterward and for the rest of my career it will be a struggle every step of the way. Retreating to Thailand and living a simple life as a teacher was pulling me in. The choice would be an extreme way of living simply… a less-stressful, less consumptive lifestyle and graduate school represents that rat-race way of living in America. In other words, I am drawn to the overall Thai approach to life. The culture here is so opposite of America. In some ways, I feel it is a step back in time, with people living in a way that is sustainable and community oriented. I have visited Pom’s home/neighborhood a couple of times and from the start was welcomed with open arms. The phrase “my house is your house” applies. I stayed in a room at his aunt’s house (they kicked out a little kid to make up a guest room for me) without any prior announcement of my coming and their family shared meals, etc. with me, tried to talk with me to make me feel comfortable. I wonder if we would offer the same hospitality to a foreigner. At the rest of the neighborhood houses it is also an open door policy. Literally. During dinner, random children wandered in to play, calling across yards, and adults walked by (mostly to get a glimpse of me). Everyone knows everyone’s business (and while perhaps the lack of privacy would get to me eventually, it is also nice to really feel part of a community). You can completely feel the difference from our isolated lives in America. (It is such a great difference that when I was discussing it with Kanda, she likened neighborhoods in the states to cemeteries because of their “quietness” and sense of isolation).
Anyway, so I am past trying to escape to an “easier” life now and will be going to school (if I get accepted…I’m a bit worried because I only applied to two schools). I got a positive email from Dr. Fuller (U. of Mass.) who wrote me a letter to support my application and I recently got the contact info. from someone out in San Diego who may be interested in Dhole, so things are coming together even more.
Daily life is routine now. I can’t complain. We are starting to get rain again sporadically after over two months with nothing. It feels cold here (but doesn’t get below 60 at night). I don’t know how I am going to survive a return to the states and single digits! Believe it or not, as I sit typing this email it is 70 but I am wearing a sweater. My body has adjusted to warmer temps.
Shoot, I’ve got to run…literally. I have to go chase away the pig-tail macaques from eating my bananas!
Away Too Long
I can’t smile forever. I need to start talking Thai with people. I’ve been here the amount of time that now I AM missing things from home: cuddling up in a sweater with the cats and dog in front of the fire and a good movie with a bowl of chocolate ice-cream. There are no couches to snuggle up on here with a good book, only wooden furniture that won’t gather mold. A warm, crisp bagel smeared with cream cheese would be wonderful. I get neither bread nor cheese here, only rice, rice, rice. A hot scalding shower. A dry bathroom floor. Different clothes than the limited ensemble that was packed with me. A refrigerator with sandwich makings. Good quality items; even the clothespins are better in the U.S. for heaven’s sake!
Tsunami
News: After Christmas day there was a 9 point something on the Richter scale earthquake in the ocean off Indonesia that sent a massive tsunami into Thailand devastating islands and coast, much of the hit area foreign tourist destinations during the height of the season. I am much further north and inland and haven’t actually even seen any news footage yet, just a quick statement on the radio. I didn’t think about calling home. I forgot my friends and relatives see Thailand as one spot on the map with no concept of where I am located in relation to the devastation. Two friends called my parents, frantic. Then my parents got hyped, called the Smithsonian, called Mel, called Peter. The state department was called. Sheesh. I feel stupid for not guessing they’d be worried. Well, it is good to be loved.