Wild Places

“Humanity badly needs things that are big and fearsome and homicidally WILD. Counterintuitive as it may seem, we need to preserve those few remaining beasts, places, and forces of nature capable of murdering us with sublime indifference. We need the tiger, Panthera tigris, and the saltwater crocodile, Crocodylus porosus, and the grizzly bear, Ursus arctos, and the Komodo dragon, Varanus komodoensis…to remind us that Homo sapiens isn’t the unassailable zenith of all existence…”

--David Quammen, 1998
Deep Thoughts from Wild Places

Round Peg in a Square Hole

I had a helpful session with our department social scientist, Bob, today for my independent study developing an interview survey. He makes me feel excited about my study questions. We got talking about travel and nasty bathrooms and I admitted I used to “sit” (squat) on the Thai toilets backwards! He gave me the best complement (?) I have gotten in awhile – that I am a round peg in a square hole! Meaning that I am the type of student that advisor’s love (because I push the limits and explore and have an exciting project) and hate (because it is unknown and complicated and difficult). Talking with Bob renewed my enthusiasm and reminded me why I enjoy to travel and “rough it” for the pure experience of it.

Responsibility

Some observations from the “Art of Living” Course: I do feel more relaxed with a clear mind – similar to feelings after a particularly good Yoga class (except that we did minimal physical exercises). Today’s big question for discussion: What are we responsible for? Answer: Anything that I become aware of that I can change. The story: A boy and his grandfather were walking along the beach at low tide. The water was out and had left thousands of starfish stranded on the dry beach. The boy implored, “Grandpa, we must save them!” But, the old man replied, “ Son, we can’t even begin to save them all – that is just the way life is. It won’t matter.” Our efforts won’t matter. And they walked along. Further down the beach the boy looked down, picked up a starfish – plop – and flung it into the surf. “It mattered to that one.” And they walked a little farther down the sand and the boy reached down, picked up a starfish – plop – and flung it into the surf. “It mattered to that one…”

Art of Living

If I don’t bum myself out thinking how I’ve bypassed the holiday and didn’t participate in any Halloween parties…I’ve had a productive weekend. I also signed up for a 6 day “Art of Living” Course that will start this Thursday. I am intrigued and skeptical. The concept is to learn a 20minute breathing technique for stress reduction, but the whole thing is also tied into an NGO that does work in international communities. There is a community of people that are involved in the organization’s activities and I can’t understand the dynamics yet. You can Google them online and see statements about how the course opened-eyes and got people off depression medication and taught them to be in the moment. A little too flowery. And, participants are not allowed to disclose the course contents to anyone. They follow the spiritual path (if you will) of a white-robed guru. A bit cultish? Still, students have had a positive experience and I found out the course fee goes toward community improvement projects. So, I signed up on a bit of a whim and didn’t give myself time to overanalyze it. I have always been interested in meditation as a possible conduit for stress reduction, but I have never undertaken a consistent practice.

Graduate Student Life

Remind me why I am doing this again? It is 10:30pm. I am tired and in tears and want to go to bed and sleep ‘till noon. I have to be up at 8am. I still need to take a shower and do 1 hour of comprehensive exam studying – oh—and I really should go over statistics lab for another 2 hours, and, yep, I haven’t touched my Thai studying for 2 months. I am not having fun.

Fulbright Future?

Here is the email I’ve been meaning to record for some days now. I literally posted it on my fridge to remind me that I am doing good work. I need something for a lift.

Subject: Fulbright Scholarship
From: Undisclosed for web posting
Date: Tues, 10 Oct. 2006 10:31:02
To: My advisor and Program head

“I have been serving on the Interview Committee for the University Fulbright Committee for the past 8-10 years and I just want to report that I read one of the most impressive proposals I have ever read this past week. It is a proposal from Kate Jenks and her interest in studying dholes in Thailand. The proposal was very well written and certainly impressed the committee—we have no control over the funding but do get to send the proposals along to the next step….In addition to congratulating Kate and Todd for the excellent proposal I want to encourage you and your colleagues to investigate the Fulbright…”

However, Update as of 18 March 07: REJECTED

Play It And They Will Come

Up at 6am to go to Nong Pak Chi and test my new battery with the playback equipment. Problem? Connection from battery to player socket is broken. I couldn’t test it last night because I was waiting for the battery to charge. So, I stressed, then figured out my computer speakers work with the battery. I made the attempt, but they aren’t loud enough. I fiddled with the game caller speaker. I cut off the original 12V battery and rigged two alligator clips that work with my new battery. Done all with a roll of black tape and my leatherman multi-tool.

So the speakers are fixed. Play it and they will come—that was my “great” idea that dholes might be attracted to other dhole vocalizations or sounds of prey in distress. The literature on hyenas and kit foxes, etc. makes it seem so simple – cause and effect – play it and they will come, curious to check out the invader. Of course, as a field biologist, I never expect anything to be simple and I certainly don’t expect results on the first try (or even my equipment to function on the first try for that matter). Still, it seemed like such a good idea, a novel approach to try with dholes. As much as I willed it though, that swaying clump of dark grass didn’t turn into a wild dog. I usually wait about an hour during each playback attempt, all that time willing movement that will materialize into a dog shape every time I pick up the binoculars for a scan. Nothing.

On another note, I was attacked by a huge angry fang-bearing pig-tail macaque today. He charged just inches from me and chased ME away. I was busy typing and concentrating and looked up briefly from my computer screen to see the big guy on our table – 10 feet away helping himself to our rice bowl. Usually we just make a move or shout and they flee. I stood up and yelled “hey” – and he was NOT afraid. He took it as a threat, spiked his eyebrows in my direction and lunged toward me! I backed slowly away to try to reach the slingshot and moved out of his view and he came charging through a different door and chased me around the chairs! He hesitated just long enough to stop shy of biting me. After the third charge I had to close myself into an adjacent room and wait him out – after he tried to get at me through a window!

Live and Learn and More Rain

I was hoping the last week in Bangkok would serve as a break and change of pace so I could snap myself out of it and get back to concentrating in the park. Wrong. Arrived to a mess. The student interns who also stay in our park house were gone and our kitchen was dusty, covered in cobwebs and mice droppings. Smelled horribly of rat urine. Then my bedroom. I had closed the shades so people couldn’t see my electronic equipment. A big mistake. I had mold growing—literally: white fuzzy spore-like mold on my bags and clothes and leather wallet. Mold growing on the stains on the sheets even. So disgusting. Oh, and our bathroom pipe also burst in our absence, so water was freely flowing…

Then, the next day I hitch-hiked to PakChong to buy a piece for the bathroom pipe fix it job. Returned in the back of a pickup (normal, except for the downpour of rain). Soaked to the skin. Oh, and before I boarded the bus my sandal broke and I had to throw them away and go barefoot. So, I get back and this is when you need a hot steamy shower and warm fuzzy towels. I have a cold bucket of dirty water and moldy sodden towels. I dumped my food bags in the kitchen, took off my useless water spattered glasses, ran into a spider web, saw the spider on my shoulder – a huge spider the size of my palm – and freaked. Then cried. I am out of patience.

Double Dragon

I’m trying not to fall off the end of the earth, but I have been horrible at keeping people in the loop. I am finally taking some time to write because I’m not up to much else. Sick again. One of my friends here referred to my symptoms as “Double Dragon” (that would be fire out of both ends…just what you didn’t want to know). Ate some bad fruit or something and just downing Imodium and hoping it will pass in a few days.

Thailand is slow and frustrating as expected. I just can’t get back into the groove and way of life this time. I look at a bowl of rice and lose my appetite, which means I’m relying more and more on eating junk food. This trip I’ve been craving pizza and chocolate and Western food. That isn’t like me. I’m not even enjoying being barefoot like I usually do. I am tired of bugs and rice and dirt sticking on my feet. I am tired of cold bucket showers. I am tired of everyone watching me when I go to buy food. But, I do try to remind myself I am in Thailand!!

I am very close to buying a motorcycle for transportation to my field sites, but don’t want to do so until I know I can research in the park and have grant money. Our project has no vehicle right now and also our carnivore team rangers have been recruited to other areas to work with the park vet (plus, one ranger is out with a broken leg from a motorcycle accident and another with Malaria). Kanda, my Thai colleague, has been spending long weekends in Bangkok taking a TOEFL course. That leaves me solo walking to limited areas.

I guess I get most angry with myself for lowering my expectations and not accomplishing as much field work as I think I should. I haven’t seen dholes yet this time around and have been here about a month now. I am trying to lure them in with various scent baits (doused cotton ball hanging in a perforated film cartridge with pigeon wings). But, we get strong downpours of rain, so I doubt the scent lasts long. I also brought a hunting call “whistle” with me that came with a “Calling All Coyotes” DVD. It looked promising and I thought the DVD would instruct how to produce various prey distress calls. Instead, the DVD shows an experienced caller making a few coyote howls and then 3hrs! of shot after shot of blowing different animals to bits and pieces. Anyway, I tried the hunt call a couple of times in the field, no results. Just waiting for grant money now so I can actually buy equipment and start something….

Thai Rains and Zen Funk

Sat. morning and I am alone after a night of harsh rains. All of the laundry I washed yesterday is soaked and I fear it will take all week to dry. No place to hang for drying inside. The only dry clothes I have are what I am wearing. Woke up this morning to our entire rice pot strewn across the table, on the floor, and out the door. Overturned garbage and plants. Macaque monkeys got into the rice again. Those little grains are cooked and sticky. This is not easy sweep up with the broom. Excedrin anyone? 

It is all about prior expectations. I’m learning to keep myself sane working in this double frustrating environment (fieldwork plus slow-paced Thai culture) by 1) lowering my expectations and 2) adding 3 times the amount of time to what I think a task should require. Example. Setup of 5 camera traps today. Not counting preparation time, I think I could do the job alone in 1-2 hours x 3 plus the ½ hour I know people would be late = 3-6 hours. Yup, it took us 5 hours. All frantic and unorganized. BUT, we setup cameras and scent for dholes and a video camera to catch the clouded leopards. Now I’m just in a sort of Zen funk—not quite a bad mood, just letting things wash over…

Stressing About Future Stress

The carpet feels soft and snuggly beneath my feet. I finally turned on the heater because it got a bit chilly with the rain today. I’m sipping a hot Mocha Chai tea. I just read Kikoti’s comprehensive exam questions from Todd and Curt. They are tough and detailed. I couldn’t adequately answer them myself if I sat down and gave it a shot today. That makes me scared. Not scared that I don’t know enough, or haven’t learned anything this semester, but scared to let Todd down, my advisor. It is embarrassment. Then I start fretting about all of the classes I’ll be taking in the fall all while trying to study for comprehensive exams and prepare for years of fieldwork. I could lessen the burden a bit by staying through January in the States, but I need to be in country in Thailand in person to get things going. I was just planning on taking Multivariate statistics and Evolution next fall, but since I’m now doing the joint OEB/WFCON degree I had to tack on a policy course. Then Todd decided I can’t really waive the Communicating Science requirement either, so just go ahead and add that too. Ok, why not just add ANOTHER course. I can see the stress already and then float back to second guessing myself.

Can You Get a Double Dr.?

So, what’s new with me? I am so off my sleep schedule I was falling asleep in seminar today. I just emailed Todd that I think I’ll do a joint OEB (Organismic and Evolutionary Biology) and WFCON (Wildlife and Fisheries Conservation) degree….not because I’m convinced it will help me get a job, but because I don’t like settling for mediocrity and I guess I like to make myself suffer.

Mundane Life of Term Papers

I just lifted a huge weight that has been hanging over my head all semester. I wrote the first draft of my Carnivore Class research paper for Todd. In February, I gathered articles and fretted over an outline approach. In March, I ignored the whole thing, always knowing it was a daunting task ready to crush and stress me. In April, I complained to my friends that I lacked any time. Today I wrote 8 pages. The target was ten, but at least I have SOMETHING (if only a draft). And, it all came about in a surprising way….after me taking ME time, not struggling to study study study. Friday night, last minute, Anna called me up to go salamander hunting. I was the only person she could think of who might be interested in standing in the mud on a rainy, cold, dreary night. She was right. So, off we drove into the fog – only to get lost. We eventually caught up with the crew…and they were all 1st and 2nd grade children! Not at all what we expected, but it turned out for the better because we were turned on by their enthusiasm: Mom! Mom—I can HEAR them crawling! And shouts of “there’s one! There’s one! (while they were looking at an empty log) echoed across the pond. But, we did glimpse a few spotted salamanders and wood frogs. Fun and I got dirty! Good way to relax and up this morning at 8am, exercised, studied Thai, threw in a load of laundry, and sat down for an afternoon with dholes.

Plugging Away

Everything has been the routine of school work. Organization. Most days I stick to it closely – with short breaks for food. Some days I wander to 1 hour of bad T.V. Today I feel a bit better. I pushed out a draft for an AZA newsletter. It is still lacking, but I took the first major step toward checking that off my To-Do list. I have kept on with practicing Thai an hour each day. Just plugging away, plugging away. Looking forward to this summer. Terrified for this summer – that I won’t accomplish enough – that I keep putting off true data collection. Cue the stress levels. Breathe. There is so much to learn. Is focusing on things task by task, day by day, taking things in steps or just denying facing the full problems? Keeping busy, but ignoring reality? I’m yawning. Todd’s Motto: Just Do What You Can Do. I’m glad he realizes I can only do so much (now if I could just get myself to believe that)—as long as you can look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and know you aren’t a slacker.

Routine of Graduate School

I’m writing because I feel trapped and stressed, but don’t know why. Well, some stress is due to worrying about the future – future comprehensive exams and this summer of field work and a statistics exam (when I haven’t even met the professor yet). It is only 9:30pm, but I accomplished what I feel is adequate for the day’s work: 1 hour of Thai language practice, yoga, chapter notes from statistics, some organization of journal articles. I know I am lucky to have the opportunity of graduate school, yet my soul doesn’t grasp that and run with it. I can’t pull out that excited, motivated feeling. I just want to get on with the semester and get on to Thailand. (Yet, I know I will be in even more of a funk there). I feel like I need a shot of espresso for my outlook and mood.

The States

I’ve been traveling for over 24 hours now. Sitting on the plane, ready to taxi out and depart from Detroit to Hartford. I’m looking forward to a hot shower, downing sleeping pills, and falling into a soft bed. I am not looking forward to school. I hope I can get engaged in things, plug back into the U.S. once classes start in four days. I realized most (if not all) of my diary musings from Thailand are the frustrations—nothing documenting the excitement and possibilities of seeing dholes and being in a foreign culture. I guess it was overshadowed and that is going to have to change.

Clouded Doubts

Why these foul moods? I know I didn’t sleep well, still, I should not feel this lifeless and blah and depressed. Moments of deep loneliness this morning even as I sit with Pom. Symptoms of the hot pressing weather or the incessantly slow Thai way of life?? The same old questions run through my head, “Can my research plan really work?” I feel so small and inexperienced, unable to tackle such a huge endeavor. Yet, I know in my gut I can do it and my mind flits past the negative thinking more quickly now and settles back on my past conclusion of – “hey, what would I rather be doing? Because there will be challenges and stressors with any path….” I have to settle on that and accept it or go crazy thinking over all the alternatives.